I
was sitting in my bed late at night reading some short story (
I confess I canÍt remember which) when I came across the title
of this record... itÍs an old Chinese proverb. I just loved the
idea that there is always something beautiful that remains hidden.
My whole life felt rather veiled and concealed at that time. The
picture on the cover is of Dana. She was so terribly supportive
and elemental in helping me to believe in myself as an artist.
Especially then. I suppose the photo was my strange way of thanking
and paying homage to her, for maybe she was the only thing not
hidden. I was still reeling from the fall of the band crumbling,
and disheartened by just about everything musical. My singing
was seeming especially impossible. The first song is about not
always being the best partner that I could be, and feeling remorse
for that. I was often distant with her, mainly because of things
I was trying to resolve within myself rather unsuccessfully. The
song is part truth part fiction. I wrote it quite spontaneously
late one night in the studio.
Written and recorded in about an
hour. The fictional part is simply that as I was writing it, I
knew that I would offer it to Conlon for the last song in a short
film he was making. So maybe I shaped it a bit. He accepted. I
had a terrible cold, which later resulted in the losing of my
voice, and on this version of the song I sound so gravelly itÍs
amazing; like Tom Waits is in my belly. The next song is happy
and bright, sort of the opposite of “sorry my love”;
it first appeared on “where stillness breathes”. The
disc ends with an instrumental that reminded me of the soundtrack
for “the million dollar hotel”, thus its title. Some
people got this disc free when they bought a copy of “A Terrible
Beauty”. It was the first Mudita Records release. Yet another
beginning. I had been struggling so much with music and so enchanted
by “Birthday”, and more specifically Jacob Golden, that
I had this epiphany one night.
I realized in a fit of insomnia,
that I needed to end my struggle with music and just let it breathe.
Stop wishing and striving and fighting to be someone else. Kill
my envy. The word Mudita translates as several things... primarily
it is the concept of true love: completely unconditional. But
it also means the opposite of jealousy. Gorgeous. The beginning
of the label and this recording, were such an enormous turning
point in my life, changing my relationship with music dramatically.
I passed this out as a demo to get shows in Sacramento. Later
that year with Greg in Greece again, Conlon and I tore down the
studio, borrowing JohnÍs truck to make countless trips to the
dump. Steve stumbling around behind us gathering all of the screws.
Cockroaches had moved in and were living off the pink insulation.
Black widows in the rafters. Hot as fuck. 110. It was a time with
great sadness and loss. A dream withering in the sun, cracked
at the edges.
A goodbye of sorts.
TRACK LISTING
1. Sorry My Love
2. Popsong #3
3. Unfinished
4. Beautiful hotel
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